Tuesday, December 13, 2011

R.I.P

What do you do when one of your best buddies ask you, "Lemme R.I.P"?

Sometimes back me and my best buddy had some major differences. This isn't the first time that we had a difference but eventually we figure it out that one can not ever run from one's mirror image so we always used to reconcile. But this time when we had our yet another tsunami difference we went into our shells rather than confronting each other and swearing at each other.

Let me give you how similarly different we are. Ya, you read it right my dear friends, the only words that can ever describe us together is 'similarly different '. To begin with our similarities we both are single child, we both are kinda funny. We both enjoy good books, we both are coffee addicts, we both enjoy playing pranks, we both criticize each other to the point of insanity and we drive each other crazy. Different because he hides his loneliness and sadness in his arrogance and I am a cry baby in that manner. Moreover, I try to get him out of his shell and he avoids me when I do that. I guess now you understand how we are 'similarly different'

Now back to the original topic. So, a few days I had enough and we had a huge indifference again. But this time we did not confront each other rather we went to our protective shells. I fought myself crazy against picking up the phone to call him and he being himself did not call me. This time it was enough running after for me. I said to myself that this is it and if I do not mean anything to him then why should I always take the pains to understand his feelings and act accordingly. Now, thinking about it I really should have done this years ago. But 'me being me' had to track him down from oblivion to see this day.

The silence lasted a couple of weeks. I saw his Facebook updates and controlled my urge to send some of his sarcasm back to him. But I could not control my urge much longer at lastly failing in my attempt I poured all the sarcasm unto a comment and posted it officially starting the cold war of words. So for a time I was hurling the sarcasm and criticism unto him and he accepted all that. I was surprised how could a arrogant person like him take in all this so modestly without being defensive. But I did not stop as I wanted to know when is he going to turn the table arround.

So one day I had left a post on one of our common friend's wall in Facebook and he replied. I again did the lashing but this time he sent me a email with a subject line 'R.I.P' asking me to let him rest in peace.

Intentionally or unintentionally I had once again taken the inciative to break the ice between us but it turned out that my good friend, my best buddy has washed his hands off me living me high and dry.

I really don't know how should you react when your best bud tells you, "Lemme R.I.P". Do you leave them to rest in peace or do you kick their butt and get them back on track to lose them to another episode.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Not-so-friends

I am quite sure why I am choosing this topic but it would be very hard to justify my point. This post is not aimed at any person at particular, I just wanted to vent out my feelings and beware all.

Sometimes when I sit back I wonder what I have done to deserve such adverse attitudes and treatments for people who sometimes had bonded with me as friends. When they enter my life they seem to be so welcoming and so smiley and oh-so-adorable that in no time I bond with them leaving all reservations. But as time passes the oh-so-adorable attitude dies and then I become the nosy somebody in their lives, leaving a gaping wound on my side.

The bosom friends soon turn out to be friends in need, only when they need of course. This is not just a recent occurring incident of my life but this picture has been attached to me since my childhood. Initially, when friend starts being not-so-friendly, then I used to run after them trying my best in befriending them. But, now when I think of those days, I  just think to myself that I was a complete idiot then. But, being a single child and left with no sibling of my own, I used to cling them for support until I learned the hard fact they are the ones that are not my own after-all. The fact was heart breaking but that didn't take me off track in befriending total strangers. It felt like I loved the words friend and friendship so much that I just can't live without it.

Years later now when I am just left with a few handfuls to call as friends, I just try not to get too involved with them. But me-being-me, the way I am, I get emotionally attached to them, and get a good share of bitterness when they ignore me altogether. I don't know exactly how I tend to offend them so much that they just have to break away from me. I always thought myself as a affectionate and true person but I guess I am wrong as the ones that have a run away from me must have seen the dark side of me otherwise they wouldn't have run. Coming to think of the dark side of me, is it so dark that they just can't stand beside me.


Left alone in the past by Brande
Left alone in the past
Forgotten friendships buried, never meant to last
She walked away from me
Why couldn't I foresee?
Time standing still
Another way to deal, another pill
The sky is gray with hate
One thing tore us apart, your fate
Now what will you do?
Who will confide in you?
Remember the times we shared?
Remember how well we paired?
The consequences are tough
You only knew how to treat me rough
Who is next in line?
Will you, too, break their spine?
Look at what you've done
This time I will stand in front of you, I won't run
Don't bother me anymore
All you touch, you tore
What you wanted, you took
Now I glance back, I take one last look
You left me alone in your past
Forgotten friendships buried, never meant to last


Lesson learnt and facts believed.

Before I used to stress out at the moments when I lost trust of a friend or the friend itself, unintentionally though. But, now (Thank Heavens!!!) I don't have to deal with the emotional trauma and stress, as I don't have any friends to loose. Oh! how happy I am to at last find solace in myself. There is now no one with whom I can discuss my frustrations, no shoulder for me to cry on, no one to share my accomplishments and happiness, no one to play pranks one, no one to call up in the middle of the night without anything to say but talking into the dead of the night, and no mirror to show me some hard facts about life. Oh! how happy I am.



To Solitude by John Keats
 
O Solitude! if I must with thee dwell,
Let it not be among the jumbled heap
Of murky buildings; climb with me the steep, --
Nature's observatory -- whence the dell,
Its flowery slopes, its river's crystal swell,
May seem a span; let me thy vigils keep
'Mongst boughs pavilion'd, where the deer's swift leap
Startles the wild bee from the foxglove bell.
But though I'll gladly trace these scenes with thee,
Yet the sweet converse of an innocent mind,
Whose words are images of thoughts refin'd,
Is my soul's pleasure; and it sure must be
Almost the highest bliss of human-kind,
When to thy haunts two kindred spirits flee. 





Monday, April 25, 2011

Prolonged Wait


'सबर का फल मीठा होता है' पर क्या सब लोग मीठे फल की चाहत मैं खुसी खुसी सबर करते है ?

Waiting as such is an irritating, time-consuming and frustrating activity. In this entire world there must be a exceptional few who are amused by the act of waiting but for all the rest of us the word itself terrifies us lest the act of it. If someone makes us to wait for him/her our tempers rise with each passing second and sometimes it just gets into our nerves as we vent them openly. Time in and time out almost everyone has his/her share of waiting to do in life; it maybe for commuting purpose, or for a special somebody or for something we have aspired in our lives or may be for the dreaded performance results. Initially waiting increases our enthusiasm but if done for long duration it not only kills our excitement but also makes us gloomy and depressed.

I am now in the 39th week of my pregnancy i.e., almost 10 months. Whoever said that the gestational period of humans is 9 months is a male chauvinist figure of this society and believe me if ever I meet him I am going to kill him at that very moment.

I won’t say that I didn’t enjoy being pregnant, I did by all means. Despite of my previous ‘happily ever-after mood’ of being pregnant, now the waiting spree is getting me all wound up with agitation. From the very start of gaining consciousness I hated waiting but customarily in every sphere of my 28 years I have been left to wait for my turn by life itself; and this time also it was just the same as I am practically wait for my baby’s grand arrival. Initially I enjoyed the wait part and was quite excited with each passing moment. But now as I am drawing to the end of my journey I am getting more impatient.

In India, normally all first child are born 2-3 weeks before the estimated date, so we were quite sure that my baby would arrive sometime around the 3rd week of April. But there was no sign of pain and the week passed off normally. In my visit with my GYN when my mom raised the question about being late in delivery she said that in America the first child generally comes after the due date. To this my mom promptly said, “But she (i.e., me) is an Indian”. The GYN then replied with a smile, “She might be an Indian but her baby is an American and American babies arrive late”. Mark the irony, now the baby and the mother have two different nationalities. My unborn baby is an American while he is still inside the womb of his Indian mother.

So, according to the American Medical Bible I have to wait for another one week after my due date and all my Indian ancestry has no implication anymore. The paradox here is that when I am unable to wait for my due date, and now I am made to wait later than that. It isn’t that I am in terrible pain and the baby isn’t buzzing. My American baby is having an ultimate time rolling happily and enjoying the delicacies inside me while I crib about my numb senses and overstretched abdomen. The dreadful anticipated pain is no where around the corner but instead of that I have all sorts of cramps in all odd parts of my body.

I remember one day I screamed out to my mom owing to an awful cramp and a sudden heightened pain, but my mom laughed with excitement as she thought that my contraction at last started but it was just a mirage.

So, here I am in my 39th week of pregnancy daily praying to the Almighty to bless me with contraction pains so that I can deliver my baby and get over with the anticipation. But again ‘me being me’, I think that if the prelude to the motherhood is so mind boggling then what it would be to actually face motherhood. Facing motherhood is yet another challenge that would require a completely different set of attributes with patience being in the top of the list. Now, just think me and patience, can we ever coincide? That is a hell of a question and I will come to it when I come to it and that would make another post but for now I wait. 

For all those who would advice me on having a patient attitude at this point of my pregnancy the below lines are for them.

“If men were equally at risk from this condition—if they knew their bellies might swell as if they were suffering from end-stage cirrhosis, that they would have to go nearly a year without a stiff drink, a cigarette, or even an aspirin, that they would be subject to fainting spells and unable to fight their way onto commuter trains—then I am sure that pregnancy would be classified as a sexually transmitted disease and abortions would be no more controversial than emergency appendectomies.

"If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters." - Nora Ephron

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The ultimate restroom fiasco :s


Just imagine you are in the last month of your pregnancy with an overactive bladder and your restroom is practically inaccessible. It’s a nightmare believe me and I had my share of it just recently. It must be hilarious for you guys :X but for me that was pathetic and torturous.

I am 38 weeks pregnant now (and for those who don’t have the least idea); at this time the baby’s head is pressed to the urinary bladder as a result pregnant ladies tend to have an overactive urinary bladder. So, when you have got the anatomic picture, you can better understand my misery.

It was just the other day and a sleepy me was just drifting into the world of dreams when my mom called me and said the bathroom door is not opening. Sanjeev went to investigate and found out that somehow the bathroom door had been locked from inside but we couldn't understand till date the how of it as all three of us were outside. That’s when the havoc began. Sanjeev used his (what I call) ‘engineering dimag’ to open the door but it didn’t buzz a little.

OMG!!! What the ****? That’s was just the expression that crossed my mind. I got into a frenzy mood thinking what the hell I am going to do the whole night. I go to the loo every hour or so and just the thought of not able to use the restroom for the whole night was a blow (that too in the very wrong place).

Sanjeev’s attempts were futile and in his weary he went to call our neighbor Deepak Bhaiya (his colleague and a good friend) for help. They both then spent the next hour trying to break the lock but to no use. Suddenly Deepak Bhaiya remembered a 24x7 service where we can seek assistance. So, the call was made but they provided locksmith assistance only to privileged members and neither Sanjeev nor Bhaiya were one of them. But the kind lady at the service centre provided us numbers of two locksmiths, God bless her. Next Sanjeev tried to call those guys but neither of them picked up. :X @###@###@##$%

Now, in this whole madness I was getting agitated (blame my pregnancy hormones for that) and tensed at the same time. And a worried I sat in a corner chair praying to God to start off my contractions so that we could go to the hospital and I could use the restroom there. When I said this to Sanjeev and my mom the next day, we had a hearty laugh over it but at that time restroom was all I could think of.  

A helpful Deepak Bhaiya suggested us to keep a key of his house and use his restroom whenever required. That was some kind of assurance for the three of us. But, ‘me being me’ a hesitant fool that I am, couldn’t really digest the idea of entering someone else’s house to use the restroom in the dead hours of the night when his entire family would be in the arms of slumber. But considering the advancement of my pregnancy and the long night ahead we accepted Deepak Bhaiya’s kind offer.

With the keys at our disposal, Sanjeev (being the most relaxed one among the three of us) drifted off to sleep soon, but sleep seemed to have deserted me altogether as I twisted and turned in the bed with a heavy heart. My mom who knew me very well came to check on me and found me wide awake. She asked me to come out of the room to sit and talk as tension is not a good friend in pregnancy. So, it was in years that I and my mom had a one-on-one chat late into the night. That was one and only one good thing in the whole restroom fiasco.

Though we had the key to Bhaiya’s house and his permission to use his restroom whenever required but ‘me being me’, I was quite skeptical about the whole idea. But soon I realized I had to keep my reluctant attitude aside and better use the restroom otherwise I would face the consequences later. So, I dragged myself to Bhaiya’s house to freshen myself before something bad happened. That was just the push or courage I needed as I used the loo for another 3-4 times that night (thanks to my pregnant overactive bladder :( ).

First thing in the morning Sanjeev went to our club house to get hold of our maintenance guy and it just took him 2 seconds to open the door. As soon as the door clicked open I sighed with relief and joy.

You guys must have rolled with laughter at my expense but for me that night was quite tormenting and agonizing. I will remember it for years to come. 

Thursday, March 31, 2011

My Pregnancy Journal

From the day I learn't I was pregnant, I am often being asked my family, friends and (you won't believe) in fact total strangers 'how I am feeling?'. I always smile back and reply that  I am fine or good or awesome but that isn't one-tenth of the emotions and sensations that I feel.

I had often thought of penning down my feelings in the last few months but believe me words and expressions have deserted me when I need them the most. And thats not all, because even these days tiredness as well as laziness have got better of me and my urge to sit back and write has gone down. But as I am nearing the end of my pregnancy  I am wondering if I might lose all those wonderful feelings that I have felt in these 9 months. I know I am nuts as no woman in this world can forget those special sensations and feeling. But me being me, I had to get a grab on my vocab and find back my urge to sit up and pen down those wonderful and special moments.

But frankly speaking it wasn't only me who wanted this moments journalized but even my hubby Sanjeev wanted the same from me. He had been nagging me forever now to get to writing but again me being me, didn't do anything about that. But thanks Sanjeev, I owe you this and I love you for always being there for me. I also thank my friends Kajal and Tushar for extending their expectation of me to write these sensational moments. Even I can feel my baby kicking with excitement as I am typing now. :)



Please visit : http://www.misthipregnbabyjournal.blogspot.com/ 

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

एक नया एहसाश

एक नया एहसाश है ये
प्यार से भरा
संजोग से मिला
अन्कही नासा सा है ये

आशाओं की एक लेहेर सी है
उमीदों की एक किरण सी है
ये दौर कुछ ऐसा है
की हर तरफ एक खुसी सी है

ना जाना था इशे कभी
ना समझा था इशे कभी
ये एहसाश नया है
जो हो रहा है मुझे अभी

हर दर्द मैं मज़ा आने लगा है
हर दिन अब नया लगने लगा है
अब कुछ होश नहीं है
ना जाने मुझे क्या होने लगा है

ख्वाबों मैं दिन काटने लगी हूँ
रातों को करवटें बदलने लगी हूँ
नींद खोके भी
सपननो मैं खोने लगी हूँ

जन्नत की एक झलक सी है
रूह मैं जैसे सुकून सी है
ये दौर कुछ ऐसा है
की हर तरफ खुसी सी है

एक नया एहसाश है ये