Not mine yet mine

From this day on I live. Died in love from its ashes I rose.

When I knew not what love was, I loved. It was just an urge to see you and talk to you. Didn't know why I needed to just look at you for once. Hated being addressed differently but loved the way you nicknamed me. Never had such a happy feeling to fight with someone but believed you enjoyed the way I did.  Your smiles made my day and your indifference wasted me. The day seemed longer without you and with you seemed shorter. Knew not what love was yet I loved.

The day I was hit the very thought of you being my lifeline I realized you think otherwise. Couldn't say anything. Just watched you fall for a bestie. Realized my ailing has no cure. Cried into my pillow and promised to be a friend and stand by you. And I did stand. Fell hard and it hurt like hell. But I did stand by you. I knew love pains yet I loved.

Then came a day you said bye and I knew not it was forever. You vanished and I had a gaping hole where once was heart. Vengeance overpowered me but all I could think of was self destruction. Looked for love not knowing that I ain't capable of any anymore. Couldn't fill the hole and I shattered more. Into a thousand pieces then I broke. When I couldn't love, I loved.

Years passed but never passed without a thought of you. Your presence in me kept me breathing. Then again we talked and I started living. Each day became a reason to celebrate. But soon I found my dreams were just another mirage. And again I had to be a friend. Stood by you watching and listening. Killing all my dreams I died then. I died but still I loved.

Years passed. Friction increased. Sometimes you ran away, sometimes I shut up. But again when I saw you I felt pity for myself. Got the same lump in the throat. Waited desperately to meet you. And then realization struck that you are still the essence of my life. Tried to hide. Tried to run away. Tried to break all ties. But when you called I went. It was killing me. It killed me. And I died again. I died yet again for I loved.

Daggered my heart. Bled quietly. Couldn't carry the load. You asked and I said all. Relieved I was. Words flowed and emotions drenched. But when you said the words I so wanted to hear I found my essence back. I know you don't feel the way I do. And never can be mine to call. I live again for love.

You are not mine yet I realized you have been mine from the beginning.

Emotions Unleashed

Time in and time out emotions unleash themselves in the worst possible manner. You just can't seem to control them then. It just keeps on flowing taking a toll on everything that comes your way; things you like and person you love. Sometimes the damage done is huge. And then you feel helpless and more mad at yourself for letting your emotions out of control.

This time I screwed up majorly. Things I said and the way I acted can't be undone. Thought of apologizing but then again thought I didn't even have a face to do so.

I knew always better than expressing myself; then why now? May be because the person I so trusted on and cared for hurt me yet again. But shouldn't I be seasoned to all this by now? If not by now then how much is it going to take to season me up? Because I don't think I can handle any more blame game or any more attack on my self respect.

None of this would have happened if like always I would have locked myself in the bathroom and cried my heart out. Then there would have been no questions asked nor there would have been the drama and no emotional vent out. But 'me being me' the foolish woman that I am had to sit on my bed and let my emotions drain out through my eyes and later verbally.

When will I learn? And moreover,  when will I learn to shut up?

R.I.P

What do you do when one of your best buddies ask you, "Lemme R.I.P"?

Sometimes back me and my best buddy had some major differences. This isn't the first time that we had a difference but eventually we figure it out that one can not ever run from one's mirror image so we always used to reconcile. But this time when we had our yet another tsunami difference we went into our shells rather than confronting each other and swearing at each other.

Let me give you how similarly different we are. Ya, you read it right my dear friends, the only words that can ever describe us together is 'similarly different '. To begin with our similarities we both are single child, we both are kinda funny. We both enjoy good books, we both are coffee addicts, we both enjoy playing pranks, we both criticize each other to the point of insanity and we drive each other crazy. Different because he hides his loneliness and sadness in his arrogance and I am a cry baby in that manner. Moreover, I try to get him out of his shell and he avoids me when I do that. I guess now you understand how we are 'similarly different'

Now back to the original topic. So, a few days I had enough and we had a huge indifference again. But this time we did not confront each other rather we went to our protective shells. I fought myself crazy against picking up the phone to call him and he being himself did not call me. This time it was enough running after for me. I said to myself that this is it and if I do not mean anything to him then why should I always take the pains to understand his feelings and act accordingly. Now, thinking about it I really should have done this years ago. But 'me being me' had to track him down from oblivion to see this day.

The silence lasted a couple of weeks. I saw his Facebook updates and controlled my urge to send some of his sarcasm back to him. But I could not control my urge much longer at lastly failing in my attempt I poured all the sarcasm unto a comment and posted it officially starting the cold war of words. So for a time I was hurling the sarcasm and criticism unto him and he accepted all that. I was surprised how could a arrogant person like him take in all this so modestly without being defensive. But I did not stop as I wanted to know when is he going to turn the table arround.

So one day I had left a post on one of our common friend's wall in Facebook and he replied. I again did the lashing but this time he sent me a email with a subject line 'R.I.P' asking me to let him rest in peace.

Intentionally or unintentionally I had once again taken the inciative to break the ice between us but it turned out that my good friend, my best buddy has washed his hands off me living me high and dry.

I really don't know how should you react when your best bud tells you, "Lemme R.I.P". Do you leave them to rest in peace or do you kick their butt and get them back on track to lose them to another episode.